I put a fair amount of thought into setting up this blog because to be honest with everyone, putting myself, and my thoughts out there scares me. Not just a little but a lot. I guess the more accurate word is it makes me uncomfortable.
In order to deal with that emotion, i’m going to apply a mindset that I’ve developed in regards to Alcoholism and Drug addiction. Jan 1st 2016 is a celebratory day for me. It marks 30 years of sobriety. If you find yourself cheering me on while read this, then thank you very much because it’s been a scary journey. But it’s also been a very rewarding one.
Now let’s get to the place where I apply the mindset.
When the thoughts of quitting drinking or drugging first entered my mind back in the early 80’s, I wrestled with them. I have to admit I wrestled with them and was very unsuccessful at finding the starting point.
I was tying the starting point to a fictitious and very daunting end goal! I was looking at not drinking or drugging for the rest of my life. That was the scary part….hear what i’m sharing here….the rest of my life.
I hadn’t been equipped with the knowledge or tools that I needed to move forward with my intention to “quit drinking and drugging”. I hadn’t been equipped with them because I could never quite get started. I didn’t want to think about it let alone talk about it. Discomfort was the thing that kept me from even starting. I didn’t know it at the time but that’s exactly what it was. The discomfort didn’t stem from me not drinking or using, nor did it stem from the projected time frame I was looking at. (The rest of my life). It stemmed from the possibility that I might not make it.
What would people think? How would I begin to deal with their disappointment, never mind my own?
Well the discomfort grew, but not towards quitting. The discomfort began to grow regarding the situations on a personal front? Not only my life was falling apart, but everything around me was falling apart. It got so bad that I had little choice left.
After prompting and a direct challenge from my Mother and Brother Tom, I decided to attend my first A.A. meeting. I felt setup, I was sure they had told people I was coming. The story from the front of the room was all about me. How horrible I felt. Imagine now, me thinking that I had to feel this for the rest of my life? It made it unbearable. I wanted to run but the discomfort of not dealing with the challenge was heavier for me to bear on all fronts. I continued to attend meetings, I began to share and talk about my fears. I wasn’t long before I was equipped with the mindset that freed me up from the horrible sentence that I had been subjecting myself to.
The rest of my life!!!!!!!!! Turns out it’s not the rest of my life, it’s just for today! I don’t have to put such a heavy weight on my shoulders, I just need to be uncomfortable today. For the amount of time it takes me to share. Nothing more.
Now let me tie into today’s story. You see just a couple of days ago I made a commitment to begin blogging, and here we are on Jan. 2nd and the discomfort of having to do this everyday began to surface. How silly right?
So i’m letting go of that crazy thought and I’m going to be disciplined to tackle this on a daily basis. The discomfort is short lived. I get to move on and equip others who might be suffering from the same thing.